Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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