the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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