I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
