i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
