girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
