I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
