Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
