i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
