I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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