watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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