My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
