We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
