I wish I could teleport
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
