Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
