my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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