what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
