This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize