Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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