Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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