What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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