i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
