I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
