im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
