I didn't shave. On purpose
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
