I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize