allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Couch. On fire.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
