You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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