I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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