I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
