I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Found the puke drawer
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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