I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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