How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
third nipple confirmed
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
