In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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