I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
