The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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