does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
