I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
