I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
