tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
pray to the hookup gods
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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