you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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