I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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