So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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