I looked at my own cervix.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How external is "for external use only"?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
