i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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