i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
