I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize