she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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