please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize