Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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