Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
