Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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