he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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