just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
