Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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