her vagine was all disorganized.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
