I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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