The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Shame - the story of my life.
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