i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
