were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
